o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
