it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
