Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
