Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
