My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
