69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
