Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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