If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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