consequently i now know what mace tastes like
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
