I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
