I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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