You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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