"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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