There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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