I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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