Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
