I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
