Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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