just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
