I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How naked do you want me to be?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
