I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
