He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
