fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
