At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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