I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
