There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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