Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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