if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
