i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
