when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
