I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
