Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
