I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
