got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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