how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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