I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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