In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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