Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
