Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He felt like a one man threesome
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
