somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
