I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
