Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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