Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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