his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
