I need to stop coming to work sober
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
