saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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