I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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