It's like God shit irony all over that family
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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