I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
