She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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